外国人自爆糗事，FML……

∨ˉShadow

　　FML，即 FXXk my life的缩写，直译的话就是“草，我的生活烂透了……”
　　在你感到不舒心的时候去这里，你会顿时发现生活原来没有最倒霉，只有更倒霉。
　　地址：fmylife.com
　　好了，言规正传，好戏马上上演。
　　
　　1、今天，我在邮箱里收到了我的护照。他们把我的生日搞错了。然后我找到了我一起送去申请护照的出生证明。结果我发现我的父母16年来一直在错误的一天给我过生日。FML
　　
　　2、今天，我在上课的时候睡觉。我的JJ硬了，而且我穿的是很宽松的裤子。我的老师走了过来一把抓住了我的JJ——她以为那是我手机。FML
　　
　　3、今天，我听见了我的姐姐在她的房间里面ZW。为了逃出去，我带着狗出去遛了遛。我回来的时候正巧碰见她出来，手里拿的东西是——我的电动牙刷。FML
　　
　　4、今天，一个我认识了很久的很性感的女人跟我说，如果我能站着和她做，她就和我做。我残疾坐轮椅。FML
　　
　　5、今天，我在和我的男朋友OOXX。当他要丢了的时候，他突然声嘶力竭地大喊“太棒了Brittany！！”我的名字不是Brittany.Brittany是他的妹妹。FML
　　
　　6、今天，我老板叫我去他的办公室，要给我看一个可能成为我们的商业伙伴的公司的网站。当他在谷歌里面打“Virginia”这个词的时候，网站把他的搜索自动补完成了他最近才搜索过的词条——“小处男的菊花”。我明天就要和他一起出差。我是个年轻男人。FML
　　
　　7、 今天，我发现我怀孕了。我已经和老公试了很长时间，所以我等不及要把这个好消息告诉他。当我推开他的办公室的门准备给他一个惊喜时，我看到他和一个男的在亲热。FML
　　
　　8、今天，我的女儿问我我是什么时候破处的。当我告诉她是22岁时，她立马大喊道：“我赢喽！！”她今年才13。FML
　　
　　9、今天，我结婚9年的老公告诉我说他是搞基的。他甚至还暗示我说，他和我在一起的时候能硬起来，是因为我长得比较爷们。FML
　　
　　10、今天，我发现我女儿在模仿很奇怪的、听起来像我老婆在OOXX时发出的声音。当我问她你在干嘛的时候她说“我在学我妈咪昨晚的声音”。我昨晚出差。FML
　　
　　11、今天，我老婆要和我离婚因为她想和她的狐朋狗友们多玩一玩。一年前，我跟着她来到了她老家挪威。我离开了我的朋友，家庭和一份很好的工作，就是为了和她一起住。现在我TMD在一个马场铲马粪。FML
　　
　　12、今天，我接到一个电话说我的未婚夫被送进了急救室。当我赶到急救室的时候，他们告诉我说原因是他在和某人OOXX的时候心脏病发作了。FML
　　
　　13、今天，我交往了三年的女友离开了我找了个新男友。她的理由是她需要找一个可靠的未来的经济后盾。没错那个哥们确实是有一个卖手机的亭子。但是我就要在医学院就读了。FML
　　
　　14、今天，我老师要求和我爸谈话因为她认为我爸没给我起到一个好的榜样作用。我告诉她我爸在05年就死于癌症。结果她说我的谎言很粗鲁，没人性，不害臊，然后把我留校了。我爸是真的死了。FML
　　
　　15、今天，我有个做张家庭族谱的作业。当我在做的时候，我意识到我的父母的姓其实是一样的。所以我去问他们这是不是个巧合，结果他们告诉我说他们实际上是表亲关系。FML
　　
　　16、 今天，我第一次和这个男生出去约会。我们去了星巴克，聊着天，很愉快。突然，他把他的手放到我肚子上说：“不久之后，这里就会被我的种子灌满”。FML
　　
　　17、 今天，我打算打个盹。我男朋友给了我一些安眠药但是我最后没决定吃。我迷迷糊糊地醒来的时候发现他在亲我的脖子，解开我的衬衫。我闭着眼睛低语道：“嗯……真是浪漫。”他震惊道：“啊。你醒着呢？！”FML
　　
　　18、 今天，我做公车去上班，后来旁边坐着个慈祥的老奶奶。公车到一半的时候，她睡着了，脑袋枕在了我的肩膀上。为了做个好青年，我在我的车站到之前才轻轻地打算弄醒她。实际上，这一路上她根本没在睡觉。也就是说，我让一个死人在我身上躺了30分钟。FML
　　
　　19、今天，我以为我听到了我的小妹妹在玩我的新的大钢琴。我十分生气，跑下楼去制止她。结果我发现声音的来源是我父母在我的新钢琴上OOXX。FML
　　
　　20 今天，我给我男友发短信说：“Hi”。他的回复是：“我把你最好的朋友肚子搞大了”。FML
　　
　　21、今天，我上交了我的博士论文，我花了半年的时间做调查来写这篇论文。昨晚，我的室友在微软WORD里面的“自动更正”里面把“也不是(neither)”这个词全改成了“黑鬼(nigger)”。我一直到交了论文以后才发现。更糟糕的是我的教授就是个黑人。FML
　　
　　22、今天，我男友和我决定试试X菊花。当他结束了以后，我转过身来，发现他面带微笑地拿着一个绑在腰带上的橡胶JJ，对我说：“现在来X我。”FML
　　
　　23、今天，为了给我哥们庆祝生日我们第一次来到了脱衣舞俱乐部。我也发现了我的女友的工作是什么了。FML
　　
　　24、今天，我发现因为我的血压太高，我一个月都不能OOXX。我的婚礼是下个星期，然后接下来的两个星期是蜜月。FML
　　
　　25、今天，我去牙医那里洗牙。我抬头看着他，发现有鼻涕往他的嘴唇上滴。我试图慢慢地挪开，他告诉我“别动！”结果他说话的动作导致那大块鼻涕径直掉进了我嘴里。FML
　　
　　26、今天，我发现我已经怀孕三个多月了。孩子他爸现在已经和我最好的朋友订婚，在我怀孕的时候他一直和她有一腿。我将会是他们婚礼上怀着新郎的孩子8个月的伴娘。FML
　　
　　27、今天，我和我的祖父母睡在一个屋子里面。他们先是来确认我睡没睡着。为了不被责怪成熬夜，我就假装睡着了。结果，他们是想要OOXX，所以才来确认我是不是睡了的。我亲眼目睹了两个70岁老头老太太在我旁边的床上OOXX的情形。FML
　　
　　28、今天，我在外面吃饭的时候，饭店经理来找我谈话。他说虽然他很尊重我的个人选择，但是他的顾客们对于一个“曾经是男人”的女人用女卫生间感到非常不舒服。也就是说，他们以为我是个变性人。而我是个天生的女人。FML
　　
　　29、今天，我在翻看我父母的旧的家庭录像。我把其中一个放进了录像机，惊恐地发现那里录着我的父母在做爱做的事。我立刻弹出了录像带并且看了看那上面的标签。上面写着：“百慕大，1989”。他们曾经告诉我说我就是在那个时候的百慕大群岛上被怀上的。我看到了自己被怀上的情形。FML
　　
　　30、今天，我自己一人来到了我和我男友第一次约会的地方：一个孤僻的山上。我注意到有另一对情侣藏在灌木丛中亲热。于是我打电话给我男友，想要告诉他说有人找到了属于我们的秘密幽会地点。然后我就听到了我男友手机的Bob Marley的彩铃声从那堆灌木里飘来。FML

∨ˉShadow

　　31、Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediatly ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said "Bermuda, 1989". They’ve told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I’ve seen my own conception. FML
　　
　　今天，我在翻看我父母的旧的家庭录像。我把其中一个放进了录像机，惊恐地发现那里录着我的父母在做爱做的事。我立刻弹出了录像带并且看了看那上面的标签。上面写着：“百慕大，1989”。他们曾经告诉我说我就是在那个时候的百慕大群岛上被怀上的。我看到了自己被怀上的情形。FML
　　
　　
　　32、 Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML
　　
　　今天，我自己一人来到了我和我男友第一次约会的地方：一个孤僻的山上。我注意到有另一对情侣藏在灌木丛中亲热。于是我打电话给我男友，想要告诉他说有人找到了属于我们的秘密幽会地点。然后我就听到了我男友手机的Bob Marley的彩铃声从那堆灌木里飘来。FML
　　
　　
　　33、 Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He’s barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML
　　
　　今天，我被我老爸突然造访我宿舍的敲门声所吵醒。我把门打开对着在门外的他打招呼，这时候我的室友脱光了衣服拉开了门，亲了我的脸颊，用一种超级搞基的声音说“昨晚你真棒”以后跑了。FML
　　
　　
　　34、Today, I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, when I heard my parents having sex, so I put on my headphones. After listening to music for a good long while, I figured they were done by now, so I took off the headphones just in time to hear them finish. FML
　　
　　今天，我躺在床上试图睡着，可是就在此时我听见了我父母在OX。所以我戴上了耳机听音乐。听了好长好长一段时间之后，我想他们应该已经完事了，所以我摘下了耳机。结果我刚好赶上他们结束那一段。FML
　　
　　35、Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex at his house. When we got there, he checked his mail box first and noticed that his Wii game arrived. He sent me home so he can play. FML
　　
　　今天，我男友和我决定在他的家里OOXX。我们到了以后，他先去看信箱里面有没有信，然后就发现他订购的Wii的游戏到货了。他把我送回了家因为他更想玩游戏。FML
　　
　　36、Today, I asked my parents to sign for me to enlist in the military. They asked me how much money the government gives them if I die. FML
　　
　　今天，我拜托我父母帮我报名加入军队。结果他们问我的是如果我死了，go-vern-ment能补贴多少钱。FML
　　
　　
　　37、Today, I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years with flowers and dinner at her apartment. After i knocked, a handsome young man answered the door. Thinking I had the wrong apartment, I apologized only to hear my girlfriend’s voice call from the ｂａｃｋｇｒｏｕｎｄ: "Baby, who’s there?" FML
　　
　　今天，拿着鲜花和晚餐，打算给我认识了两年的女友一个惊喜。我敲了敲她公寓的们——然后一个英俊的年轻男人打开了门。我以为我敲错了门，道了歉转身准备离开的时候，我听到了我女朋友的声音——“宝贝，门口的是谁？”FML
　　
　　
　　38、Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his college and when I walked into the dorm he was lying in his bed with another girl. When he saw me he simply said, "April Fool’s!" It’s March 19th. FML
　　
　　今天，我打算给我上大学的男友一个惊喜。我走进了他的宿舍，发现他和另一个女的躺在床上。他看见了我，说了句：“愚人节快乐！”那天是3月19号。FML
　　
　　
　　39、Today, I sent an email to my best friend, telling him that I’m gay. When I was typing the email address in the "to:" field, it autocorrected the address to my mother. She just responded: "you filthy faggot". FML
　　
　　今天，我发了封邮件给我最好的朋友，告诉他我是同志。当我在输入“发送到：”那一栏的时候，系统给我自动更正成了我妈的邮件地址。她只回复了一句：“你这肮脏的蛆虫。”FML
　　
　　40、Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML
　　
　　今天，我卫生棉在我的泳装旁边露出了一点点。我男友以为那是我比基尼多余的线头。于是乎他在大庭广众之下把我的卫生棉拉了出来。FML

　　41、 Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying "U got fingers, use them, im going to bed xoxo". FML
　　
　　今天，我给我6个月的男友发了条短信说我很想要，而且我躺在床上光着身子。他回了封信说：“你长了手指头，用它们，我去睡觉了亲爱的”。FML
　　
　　
　　42、 Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, he finally entered me, then paused and asked me, "what do I do now?" FML
　　
　　今天，我男友和我第一次OOXX。在等待了非常长的一段时间之后，他终于进来了。这时他停了下来，问道——“好了，现在我该怎么办？”FML

　　43、 Today, my son looked out of the window and said "what’s that piece of shit doing on our driveway?" It was the new car we were trying to surprise him with on his 16th birthday. FML
　　
　　今天，我儿子望向窗户以外问道：“在车库门前停着的那坨垃圾是毛？”那是我打算送给他的，他16岁生日的新车。FML

　　45、 Today, I texted my boyfriend to see if he wanted to finally have sex today. His response was "Can’t, Platinum just came out." I didn’t know what that meant so I searched "Platinum 3-22-2009" on Google. I found out he’s talking about a new Pokemon game. FML
　　
　　今天，我发短信给我的男友，问他到底想不想今天来亲热。他的回复是“不行，白金今天出。”我一开始没听懂，于是我去搜索了一下“白金，2009年3月22号”。结果我发现他是在说最新的口袋妖怪游戏。FML
　　
　　
　　46、 Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized. FML
　　
　　今天，我人生的第一次——让一个女人看到了我的JJ。我30了。那女的是我的医生。她打了个鼾来盖住她的大笑声，然后道了道歉。FML
　　
　　
　　47、 Today, I turned 18. Nothing was said at breakfast, but I figured they’d remember and we’d have cake at night. I came home and there was cake, but not for me. My sister got her period for the first time during the day and they were celebrating. Apparently, a vaginal discharge was more important. FML
　　
　　今天，我18岁了。早餐的时候没人吱一声，但是我想他们会记住，晚上我就有蛋糕吃了。我晚上回家看到了一个蛋糕——但是不是给我的。他们是在庆祝我的妹妹第一次月经来潮。很明显，他们认为一次生理反应比我的18岁生日更重要。FML
　　
　　
　　48、 Today, I saw the blueprints for my family’s new house. My room is half the size of the room next to it. The room next to it is my step mom’s walk-in closet. FML
　　
　　今天，我看到了我家新房子的图纸。我的屋子是旁边那个屋子大小的一半。“那个屋子”是我继母的大衣橱。FML
　　
　　49、Today, I was feeling sick and having trouble breathing easily. I decided to take a nap and apparently ended up sleeping with my mouth wide open since breathing was an issue. I woke up to my boyfriend trying to put his penis in my mouth. FML
　　
　　今天，我感觉有点病了，呼吸很不舒畅。我决定打个盹，嘴巴大张着因为呼吸很困难。我醒来的时候，发现我男友试图把他的那个放到我嘴里。FML
　　
　　
　　50、 Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. All of a sudden he jumped off of me, going "shit, shit!". Worried, i asked him what was wrong. He shouted "I forgot to set my TiVO!" FML

　　今天，我在和我男朋友OOXX。突然，他从我身上跳下来，大喊：“该死，该死！”我很着急，问他怎么了。他大吼：“我忘了设定TiVO了！”（一种电视录像装置）. FML

∨ˉShadow

　　51、 Today, I went to meet my girlfriends parents for the first time. I accidently drove past their house the first time, but saw the whole family outside waiting to meet me. I pulled a U-Turn and heard a thud. The whole family watched me run over their dog. FML
　　
　　今天，我第一次去看我女朋友的父母。我第一次不小心开过头了，但是看到了他们全家在外面等我。我调了个头，然后就听到了砰的一声。他们全家的人看着我压扁了他们的狗。FML
　　
　　
　　52、 Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend of nine months when she gets a phone call and decides to answer it. It was her fiance that I knew nothing about. She told me she was engaged while I was still inside of her. FML
　　
　　今天，我在和我交往了9个月的女友OOXX。有人给她打电话，她决定去接。给她打电话的是她的未婚夫——我完全不知道有这号人。她在我还在她的体内的时候说：她订婚了。FML
　　
　　53、Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: "love mom." FML
　　
　　今天，我想拿个套套因为我的男友和我打算第一次OX。当我打开抽屉时，我看到每个套套都被一个耶稣形象的别针扎破了。盒子上面有个字条：“爱你的妈妈。”FML
　　
　　
　　54、Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We haven’t had sex yet. FML
　　
　　今天，我女友跟我说她有了。我还没OOXX呢。FML
　　
　　
　　55、 Today, I was on the bus going to ｆｏｒｍal for my sorority. I was sitting in the 5th row of the bus when I felt raindrops on my face coming through the open window. I then realized it wasn’t raining, but the girl in the 1st row was throwing up out her window and it was coming back in through my window. FML
　　
　　今天，我坐在公车上去联谊会。我坐在公车第5排，感觉到有雨点从窗外飘进来。然后我意识到那不是雨点，而是第1排有个女的吐了，她吐到窗外的东西从我的窗户飞了进来。FML

　　56、
　　今天，我父母不停地吹嘘说我妹妹正在和学校美式足球队队长约会。（却完全无视了）我刚刚被法学院录取。FML
　　
　　
　　57、
　　今天，我们要从学校拿毕业纪念册。我翻到了我的简历那一页，发现他们把我的名拼错了。我的名是James（詹姆斯）。他们拼成了Lames（烂透的）。FML
　　
　　
　　58、
　　今天，我第一次和我的新男友一起淋浴。昨天晚上是我们一起度过的第一晚。我在洗头的时候，我向下看去，注意到了有“黄水”。也就是说，我的脚一开始感觉到的温暖的水不是从喷头里出来的。FML
　　
　　
　　59、
　　今天，我被逮捕了，因为我6岁的儿子打电话叫pol.ice，说我把我的妻子打得哭了。我和我老婆当时在OOXX。FML
　　
　　60、
　　今天，我提前下班回家，买了辆新的山地车来给他个生日惊喜。为了让他吃一惊，我蹑手蹑脚地来到了他的房门前。我一开门就听到他对他压在身下的女孩说：“哦，天哪，我要S了。”他才刚14。FML
　　
　　
　　61、
　　今天，我去医院做运动体检。我的护士肥的要死而且非常难看。她说她会检查所有单子上写的部分。她做了一切她能做的，甚至包括检查我的JJ部分。体检结束以后，我看了看那张单子。里面没有生育器官检查。FML
　　
　　
　　62、
　　今天，我打开电脑查看我的AV收藏。但是，文件夹除了“我的最爱”文档以外全都空了。我以为是病毒删了所有的东西，但是很庆幸“我的最爱”文档没被删。我打开了以后，看到里面是一个我父母的录像教育我说“SY是不对滴”。FML
　　
　　
　　63、
　　今天，大概晚上十点多我在道上开车。我前面车里的乘客向窗外扔了什么东西。拿东西径直打在了我的挡风玻璃上。那是个TT。用过的TT。而且用完没系。JY在你开快车的时候散开得很快。FML
　　
　　64、
　　今天，我搭我新男友的车。他有“很重要的事”要告诉我。然后他多愁善感地向我讲述了他如何对SY上瘾。细节具体生动。行程是两个小时。FML
　　
　　
　　65、
　　今天，我才发现我的新学生宿舍的墙，是多么的薄。它们如此之薄，以至于我能听到我隔壁那个恶心的哥们一边一遍又一遍地念叨着我的名字，一边大力SY的声音。FML
　　
　　
　　66、
　　今天，我在和我的小弟弟打篮球。在开玩笑般地阻挡了他一下之后，他转过来跟我说“你TM的婊 子。”他才6岁。我问他他是在哪里听到这个词的，他回答说：“爹地在你不在的时候这样叫你。”FML
　　
　　
　　67、
　　今天，我裸身躺在床上，被蒙上了眼罩。我告诉我的男友他把我怎样都行。30分钟以后，我下了床发现他在电脑室打魔兽。他队友需要他。FML
　　
　　
　　68、
　　今天，我在学校表演戏剧。在我的独角戏闪亮登场之前，我注意到了有几个女孩在后台换衣服——于是我小弟弟high了。那场戏是《耶稣基督超级巨星》，我就是演耶稣的。我身上只穿几块布。于是乎，所有观众都看到了：耶稣在被钉上十字架的时候可耻地硬了。FML
　　
　　
　　69、
　　今天我在和一个刚认识的女孩OOXX，大约5分钟之后，她说她想上厕所，所以我们被迫停止。大概等了10分钟，我决定进去看看她怎么样了。进去一看，窗户是开着的，她逃走了。FML
　　
　　
　　70、
　　今天，当一个正妹进电梯的时候电梯里只有我一个，当时她正在打电话。她和她朋友说：“我得挂了，电梯里有个帅哥~~”在我有任何反应之前她说：“对不起，我撒谎了，我只是真的很想把那个电话结束”。FML

∨ˉShadow

　　71、Today, I went to a fast-food joint and ordered off of the ＄1.00 menu to save money. Five hours later I go to the hospital with food-poisoning. After a whole day of not eating, crapping, puking, having tests, and an bunch of IV fluids, my ＄1.00 burger ended up costing me ＄24,000 in bills. Really. FML
　　
　　今天我去快餐店点了一份一元餐想要省钱。五个小时之后我因为食物中毒被送到医院。在一天的禁食、排泄、冒顶、考试、挂了一堆水之后，我那＄1的汉堡花费了我＄24000，真的！！FML
　　
　　
　　72、Today, one of the psych patients I work with on a locked unit looked into my eyes and told me lovingly that I reminded him of his sister. The sister he killed after he raped her. FML
　　
　　今天，一个和我一起工作的精极度紧张患者在一个被锁的房间里看着我的眼睛、深情的说：你让我想起了我的妹妹。（那个被他被他先X后杀的妹妹）。FML
　　
　　
　　73、Today, I called my fiance and found out she is 9 weeks pregnant. I had been in Iraq for over 6 months. I also found out her and her new boyfriend already spent most of my ＄30,000 re-enlistment bonus on a new car and a trip to Las Vegas. FML
　　
　　今天我打电话给我的未婚妻并发现她已经有了9个月身孕。我在伊拉克带了将近6个月……我还发现她和她的新男友把我那30000美金的入伍抚恤金花的差不多了——买了辆新车、去拉斯维加斯度假。FML
　　
　　
　　74、Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He knows that I love when he breaths on my neck. When I was about to finish he put his lips a millimeter away from my neck/ear and breathed, "I love how you smell like my grandmother’s house." FML
　　
　　今天，我在和我男友OOXX，他很清楚我喜欢他在我脖子上喘气、呼吸的感觉。当我快要丢的时候他把他的嘴唇放在离我脖子/耳朵1毫米的地方，说：“我喜欢的你那闻起来像我祖母房子的味道~~”，FML
　　
　　75、Today, I saw a lenbian couple walking through the mall. One of the ladies walked up to me in the middle of the busy mall and started screaming at me about how rude it is to stare, and how we are all equal- straight or not. I was only staring because I’m a lenbian too, and they were hot. FML
　　
　　今天，我看到了一对女同性恋在购物中心里逛。其中一个在繁忙的过道里走向我，然后开始大喊盯着她们是怎么怎么地粗鲁，还有不管性取向如何所有的人都应该是平等的。我盯着她们的原因是我也是搞百合的，而且我觉得她们很靓。FML
　　
　　76、Today, was the first time I had sex with a guy I really like. I took off my shirt and my bra and he said "wow, that’s disappointing." FML
　　
　　今天，我第一次和自己真正喜欢的人OOXX。我把我的上衣的乳支撑器脱掉，他说：“我擦，这太令人失望了。”FML
　　
　　
　　77、Today I went to a bar with two guys I was interested in. The first I’d been trying to go out with all semester. The second I had gone to dinner with and he seemed nice. I was the designated driver, they drank too much and on the way home hooked up in the back seat. FML
　　
　　
　　今天我和俩我感兴趣的男生泡吧。第一个是我这个学期一直想约的人，第二个是和我吃过一次饭、看起来还不错的男生。我被指定为司机，他们喝的是在是太多了，然后他们俩就在后座上勾搭上了……FML
　　
　　
　　78、 Today, I was talking to my mom lamenting the fact that none of my few relationships seem to last longer than 2 months. She asked why and I said, "because I’m paranoid, obsessive compulsive, judgmental, defensive, and stubborn." Instead of encouraging me, she said, "Well, at least you’re honest." FML
　　
　　今天我和老妈感慨事实上和我发生过关系的男的都不超过2个月，她问我为什么，我回答：因为我偏激，强势，保守，还有顽固。为了鼓励我，她说 至少你还是诚实的 FML
　　
　　
　　79、Today, I was walking around in a park when I pass some kids playing soccer. One of them kicks the ball as hard as he could at me. Luckily I catch the ball. Then I drop kick the ball, intending to say "go get it." Instead it ricochets of a nearby tree and hits my face. FML
　　
　　今天我在一个公园里散步，看到一群孩子在踢球， 其中一个把球踢向了我，很幸运的是我把球接到了。 然后我把球丢下踢回去喊到：“接好了” 球打到了一颗书上弹回来，命中我的脸 FML
　　
　　80、Today, I finally figured out who has been stalking me for the past 5 months. And we’re related. FML
　　
　　今天我才发现谁在过去5个月里面一直跟踪我 ， 我们是男女朋友关系。 FML （意思是我的男/女朋友跟踪了我5个月）--（（其实这个我也不懂））

　　81、Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom’s hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, and dropped a condom in the bottom of the shower, all the while saying, "Keep it safe kids!". FML
　　
　　今天我在洗澡的时候，男朋友忽然跳了进来，我们有一点点小兴奋地时候 老妈的手穿过了帘子 把套套丢在了浴池里，说：注意安全啊孩子们 FML
　　
　　
　　82、Today, I set up a camera in my kitchen to see who was stealing my 小甜饼s. Turns out my mom had her boyfriend over. Good news, the 小甜饼s are safe. Bad news, I now have something recorded that I never wanted to see in my life. FML
　　
　　今天我在厨房里安装好了摄像头想看看谁偷了我的饼干， 结果我看到了老妈和她的男朋友，好消息是饼干很安全，坏消息是 我看了一些我这辈子都不想看到的事 FML
　　
　　
　　83、Today, after my girlfriend of 2 years left me for another guy, I got stuck in an elevator for 3 hours. With both of them. FML
　　
　　今天和我相处2年的女朋友离开了我和另一个男人好了， 然后我在电梯里面卡了3小时，和他们2个一起 FML
　　
　　
　　84、Today, I met a really hot guy at a bar. We talked for a while and really seemed to hit it off. We ended up going to my apartment. He stopped and said, "Clean up this mess and maybe we could do something another time." I am a complete neat freak - my apartment had been robbed and trashed. FML
　　
　　今天，我在酒吧见到一个帅哥。我们谈了一会而且十分合得来~~我们最后决定一起去我的公寓。进门之后，他说：“把这乱七八糟的东西好好收拾收拾，也许我们下次还可以再继续”。我差点疯掉……我公寓刚刚被抢劫了……FML
　　
　　85、Today, I was leaving to go over to a friend’s and my parents suddenly ask if I’m gay. I reply that no, I’m bisexual. My mom then asks if I’ve ever made out with someone of the same sex and I say yes. She turns to my dad and says ’I told you so. You owe me ＄20’. My parents bet on my sexuality. FML
　　
　　今天，我正准备出门去朋友家，我父母突然问我是不是搞基的。我回答不是，澄清说我是双性恋。我妈又问我曾经是否和一个同性别的人亲热过，我回答是。然后她就跟我爸说：“看，我跟你说过了吧。你欠我20块。”我父母拿我的性取向打赌。FML
　　
　　
　　86、Today, I caught my little brother peeping at my friend getting dressed in the bathroom. When I asked him what he was doing he said "I’m just doing what Ray does to you while you’re in the bathroom." Ray is my new step dad. FML
　　
　　今天，我在我的小弟弟偷看我朋友在卫生间换衣服的时候把他抓了个正着。我问他他在干嘛，他回答说：“雷(Ray)在你去卫生间的时候就这么做，我只是在学他罢了。”雷是我的新继父。FML
　　
　　87、Today, I went out with this girl I really liked and she came back to my place. Things were heating up and we ended up having sex and I was on top. I was really into it and in the middle of it she held up her wrist and said "oh, look at the time, I gotta get home". She wasn’t wearing a watch. FML
　　
　　今天，我和一个我很喜欢的女孩出门去玩，然后我们晚上一起回到了我家。我们之间十分来电，于是最后OOXX了……男上女下。我非常之投入，可是在半途的时候她突然举起手腕说：“啊，看看都几点了。我得回家了。”她当时根本没戴表。FML
　　
　　
　　88、Today, I was running late for work so instead of walking the ten minutes to the office, I took a taxi. The driver took the opportunity to share the story of his first sexual experience with a man. In great detail. FML
　　
　　今天，我上班要迟到了，所以我没去走那十分钟的路程而是打了辆出租车。这司机抓住这一大好时机，向我讲述了他第一次和男人OOXX的故事。具体而又生动。FML
　　
　　89、Today, I was walking from my office to the place i had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. As I looked up, I noticed that it was my car. FML
　　
　　今天，我得从我的办公室走到我停车的地方，距离大概有三个街区远。在我准备转过最后一个街角时，一辆车超速驶来，我不得不赶紧跳到一边。我抬头的时候发现了——那车是我的。FML

∨ˉShadow

　　90、Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless man pressed up against me. He was staring at me intently, and two minutes into the ride he got an erection, which was rubbed against me at every single bump and turn of the train. FML
　　
　　今天，卡尔加里轻轨车厢挤满了人；我旁边的一个流浪汉被挤得死死地顶着我。他专注地盯着我看，上车两分钟以后他就硬了=_=——于是乎车厢每次颠簸和转弯的时候，那东西都在摩擦着我。FML

　　91、Today, my girlfriend decided to strip me naked and blindfold me, then told me I’d get a reward if I caught her. So I ran around naked and blindfolded till I caught her, and then I yelled, "I want my prize on the kitchen table!" It was her mom who’d just got back from work. FML
　　
　　今天，我女友决定把我扒光并把我眼睛蒙上，然后告诉我说如果我抓住她就奖励我。于是我就蒙着眼睛，啥也没穿地四处瞎跑一直到我抓住了她。我大喊：“在厨房桌子上把我的奖励给我吧！”MLGB的我抓住的是她刚下班的妈妈。FML
　　
　　
　　92、Today, my mom’s will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I was gay. The 执行utor read it out loud. My mom was the only one who knew. FML
　　
　　今天，我妈的遗嘱被宣告给了全家人。我在几年前帮助我妈写的；我会得到一笔资金来付助学贷款。她自己把遗嘱给改了，注明说我啥也得不到因为我搞基。遗嘱执行人把这段大声朗读了出来。本来只有我妈一个人知道的。FML
　　
　　
　　93、Today, I found out that just because your boyfriend asks you to marry him doesn’t mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML
　　
　　今天，我发现就算你的男友向你求婚，也不意味着他婚礼的时候就一定能来。FML
　　
　　
　　94、Today, my mom talked about how it’s interesting how there’s so many different size of penises. She also told me that since she’s doing hormone therapy she’s able to orgasm a LOT more. We were stuck in stop and go traffic for 3 hours. When I turned on the radio, she turned it off and talked more. FML
　　
　　今天，我妈跟我说各种JJ有不同的大小，真是有趣。她也跟我说因为她一直在做荷尔蒙疗法，她能够体验的高潮比以往多多了。我们堵车堵了3个小时。当我打开收音机的时候，她把收音机关了，接着讲。FML
　　
　　95、Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so I woke him up by whispering in his ear, "If you could get me to do anything right now, what would it be?" His response, "Can you get me a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?" He was hard, for ice cream. FML
　　
　　今天，是我的男友第一次来我家过夜。他硬了，我就在他的耳边耳语把他叫醒：“如果你现在让我做什么都行，你想要我做什么呢？”他的回答，“你能给我碗薄荷巧克力屑冰淇淋吗？”他想冰淇淋想到硬。FML
　　
　　
　　96、Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking "What are you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answers, "Zoe. I’m doing Zoe." FML
　　
　　今天，我男友和我在他的家里OOXX。大概30分钟后，他的妈妈回家了，敲他的房门问道：“你在干啥？”想着也许我有偷偷溜出去的可能，我蹑手蹑脚地穿起了衣服。结果这时我的男友就回答：“佐伊。我在干佐伊。”FML
　　
　　
　　97、Today, I got a ＄200 ticket mailed to me for drunk driving in Maryland. I have never been pulled over for drunk driving and I have never been to Maryland. FML
　　
　　今天，一张“在马里兰醉酒驾驶”的200美金的罚单被寄给了我。我从来都没因醉酒驾驶而被抓而且我压根就没去过马里兰。FML
　　
　　
　　98、Today, I woke up to find that my dog was missing. I spent about an hour searching for him when my psycho ex-girlfriend texted me his photo. She’d kidnapped him. After driving over there, she shot paintballs at my car. Now I have no dog and a colorful car. FML
　　
　　今天，我醒来以后发现我的狗丢了。我花了将近一个小时去找它，直到我那脑子有点问题的前女友发了张它的照片给我。她把它绑架了。开车到那里以后，她用油漆弹朝我的车开枪。现在我不仅没狗，还多了辆五彩斑斓的车。FML
　　
　　99、Today, I asked my boyfriend of almost ten months who his top five women to have sex with would be. I was third. My mom was second. FML
　　
　　今天，我问了交往了将近十个月的男友，他最希望和哪五个女人OOXX。我排第三。我妈排第二。FML
　　
　　
　　100、Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I undressed and then proceeded to throw up all over the rug. FML
　　
　　今天，我的猫和我一起在浴室里。我脱了衣服准备冲个澡。猫在我脱光了衣服以后看了看我，然后就在小毯上吐得到处都是。FML

∨ˉShadow

　　101、Today, I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend. I called him and started yelling at him over the phone. He told me that if I wanted to end the relationship I should just hang up the phone right then. Before I could say I still love him and don’t want to break up, my phone battery died. FML
　　今天，我和我男朋友大吵了一架。我给他打了手机，在上面和他大吵大闹。他跟我说如果我不再想跟他了的话，现在就把电话关上吧。我刚想跟他说我仍然很爱他，不想分手的时候，我手机没电了。FML
　　
　　
　　102、Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and his parents. It got to an intense sex scene. I felt grateful when I saw his father reaching for the remote to fastforward past the scene. He put it into slowmotion. We watched in silence for about 3 minutes before he managed to fix it. FML
　　今天，我和我的男朋友一家看电影。电影演到了一处特别火辣的OOXX的镜头。当我看到他的爸爸准备用遥控器快进的时候，我感到很欣慰——可是他却（不小心）把电影调成了慢进。结果这镜头我们尴尬地看了将近三分钟，他才解决了这个问题。FML
　　
　　103、Today, I was cuddling with the guy I like. I looked into his eyes and said, "Your eyes are so blue, like the ocean." He replied by saying, "Your eyes are so brown... like my shit". FML
　　今天，我在和一个我喜欢的男生亲热。我看着他的眼睛，说：“你的眼睛真蓝……像大海一样。”他回答，“你的眼睛真褐……像我的屎一样。”FML
　　
　　
　　104、Today, my hunband of three years told me he only proposed to me because his favorite football team was winning and he had been drunk. I had our second child three days ago. FML
　　今天，我结婚了三年的老公跟我说他跟我求婚的唯一理由是因为那天他最喜欢的美式足球队赢了所以他喝醉了。我在三天前生的第二个孩子。FML
　　
　　105、Today, an ant bit my penis. That was the first ’mouth’ to ever touch it. FML
　　今天，一只蚂蚁蛰了一下我的JJ。这是有史以来第一张碰过我JJ的“嘴”。FML
　　
　　
　　106、Today, I flew into New Zealand to surprise my girlfriend on her trip. In the New Zealand Airport I recieved a text message saying she wanted to break up with me. I live in Michigan and just spent ＄1,500 for this romantic surprise. FML
　　今天，我飞到了新西兰，去给我正在那里旅游的女友一个惊喜。在新西兰机场我收到了一条短信：她想要和我分手。我住在密歇根州，花了1500美刀，就为了这场浪漫的“惊喜”。FML
　　
　　
　　107、Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: "I won’t need this as long as I have you!" His reply: "That’s what I wanted to talk to you about." FML
　　今天，我庆祝了我的21岁生日。我3年的男朋友给了我一个巨大的粉色ZW器。我以为这是个玩笑，就说：“只要你还在，我就用不上这玩意！”他的回答：“……这就是我想要和你谈谈的事情。”FML
　　
　　
　　108、Today, my wife has been singing "I can’t get no satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones, all morning. She started singing it right after we had sex. FML
　　今天，我老婆一早上都在唱滚石乐队的《我得不到满足》。她在我们OOXX完就开始唱。FML
　　
　　
　　109、Today, I went to my son’s soccer game. I cheered his name at the top my lungs and waved with a grin on my face. I saw him whisper something to a team mate so I watched the film my hunband took later that night. His friend asked, "Who is that?" and my son replied, "I don’t know some fat bitch." FML
　　今天，我去看我儿子的足球赛。我笑容灿烂地大声欢呼着他的名字。我看到他和他的队友耳语了几句，所以我在晚上又看了遍我老公的录像。他的朋友问的是：“那是谁？”我儿子回答：“我不认识的肥Biao子。”FML
　　
　　
　　110、Today, I decided to introduce my girlfriend to my parents by telling them that we were gonna have a very special guest for dinner. While my mom was preparing the meal she asked, "What does he like?" I’m straight. My parents thought different. FML
　　今天，我决定把我的女朋友介绍给我的父母，就告诉他们晚餐的时候会有一位特殊的客人到场。我妈在做饭的时候问我：“他（注意是‘他’）什么样啊？”我取向正常。可我父母不这么想。FML

　　111、Today, I was fired because a patron complained that she didn’t like the way I kept staring at her kids. I was a lifeguard. FML
　　今天，我被炒了鱿鱼，因为一个客户投诉说她不喜欢我一直盯着她的孩子看时的眼神（暗指恋童）。我是个救生员。FAML
　　
　　
　　112、Today, I came home a day after my birthday, and was greeted by my mother who told me "oh I have birthday present for you." She explained that she and my father went on a hike, and handed me my present. I got a f***ing stick for my birthday. FML
　　今天，我在我生日的第二天回到了家。母亲来迎接我，告诉我说：“啊，我有个生日礼物要给你。”她解释说她和我爸去远足了，然后就把我的礼物给了我——于是，我MLGB的得到了根登山拐棍作为生日礼物。FML
　　
　　113、Today, I found out my girlfriend is pregnant and then decided to break up with her. Why? We’re lenbians. FML
　　今天，我得知我的女朋友怀孕了。于是我决定和她分手。你问为什么？因为我们是百合。FML
　　
　　
　　114、Today, I was petsitting for my neighbor’s new puppy. A huge thunderstorm came, and the puppy started whining and shivering violently. I pulled it into my lap to try and comfort it. One loud clap of thunder later, and the puppy had explosive diarrhea all over me. FML
　　今天，我在帮我的邻居照看他家的新小狗。那天来了个特别大的雷暴，那小狗被吓得直叫，身体抖得厉害。我把它放到我的膝盖上试着安抚它。在一声巨大的响雷之后，那狗在我身上来了次爆炸性的腹泻，拉了我一身。FML

　　115、Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door "Are you jacking off in there or something?!" and him scream back at her "Shut up you f***inag cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML
　　今天，我听见我的女儿隔着浴室门向我儿子喊：“你又在里面ZW吗?!”然后我儿子喊了回去：“闭嘴，你个B!!”我女儿7岁，我儿子8岁。FML
　　
　　
　　116、Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me, "what would happen to me if you and daddy died?". I told her that she’d probably live with her Uncle Ant and Aunt Ilene. She looked at me and said "You guys can die. I won’t cry. I get everything I want over there." FML
　　今天，我6岁的小女儿问我：“如果你和爹地死了我怎么办呢？”我告诉她她可能会去和昂特舅舅和艾琳舅妈去住。她看着我，说：“那你们死了就没事了。我不会哭的。我在那边想要啥就有啥。”FML
　　
　　117、Today, my girlfriend’s friend told her she had seen me shopping with a cute girl. When I came back home my girlfriend punched me in the face and asked who the girl was. Apparently her friend didn’t tell her the cute girl was my three years old niece. I lost a tooth because of that punch. FML
　　今天，我女朋友的朋友跟她说她看见我和一个很可爱的女孩买东西。我到家了以后我的女友就给了我一拳，问我那女孩是谁。很显然，她的朋友没告诉她那“可爱的女孩”是我三岁的小侄女。因为那拳我少了颗牙。FML
　　
　　118、Today, my boyfriend was in the shower, and I decided to go join him. I took all my clothes off and stepped into the bathroom. I slipped on some water, and ended up hitting my head on the toilet and passing out. When I came to, I saw my boyfriend’s dad looking over me in his towel. Wrong person. FML
　　今天，我的男友在淋浴，于是我决定和他一起洗。我脱光了衣服走进了浴室。我踩在水里滑了一跤，脑袋砸到马桶上晕了过去。我醒过来的时候，看到了我男朋友他爸爸包着浴巾看着我。我搞错人了。FML

　　119、Today, I was working as a swim 包含uctor for kids. Teaching them not to be afraid of the water, I put my face in the water and blew bubbles. I asked them to try it. All of them did, except for one. I went right to him and blew bubbles again. He then said to me, "but I just peed in that water." FML
　　今天，我在教小孩子游泳。为了让他们不怕水，我把脸埋在水里吹泡泡。我让他们都试试。所有的人都试了，除了一个以外。我走到他跟前，又给他做了次示范。结果他跟我说：“可是我刚才在那片水里尿了。”FML

　　120、Today, my girlfriend of 2 years and I decided to have sex for the first time. When we were in the room, finally ready to start, she confessed that she had never seen a penis before. To make her more comfortable, I showed her mine. At the sight of it, well, she actually fainted. FML
　　今天，我交往了两年的女友决定和我第一次OOXX。我们在房间里的时候，终于决定要开始时，她向我坦白她从来都没看过J J。为了让她放松一点，我给她看了看我的J J。当她一看到……这个嘛……她晕倒了。FML

∨ˉShadow

　　121、Today, I was running on a soccer field and accidently dropped my gum from my mouth. No one had noticed so I picked it up and started chewing again. It was a different flavor. FML
　　
　　今天，我在足球场上奔跑的时候，突然我嘴里的口香糖掉在球场上了。因为没人发现，所以我就把它捡起来继续嚼。我发现这个口香糖是另外一种味道的。
　　
　　
　　122、Today, my town had a carnival to raise money for cancer. I ran a kissing booth, when a really cute guy came up paid his ＄20, looked at me, and said "not even for cancer." He took his money and left. FML
　　
　　今天，我的小镇举办了一次给癌症募捐的园游会。我负责打理一个“亲吻小站”（就是捐钱以后得到一个吻）。一个很可爱的男生过来付了20刀，看了看我，就说：“就算是为了癌症我也不干了。”然后就把钱拿了回去，跑掉了。FML
　　
　　
　　123、Today, I met a guy at a bar and we went back to my room. We start having sex and about 30 seconds in he stops and says it’s not right - he likes me too much for a one night stand. He gives me his number, a kiss on the cheek and leaves. Turns out he already came. I call his phone - wrong number. FML
　　
　　今天，我在酒吧遇到了一个男生，于是我们后来就回到了我的房间。我们开始OOXX，大概三十秒以后，他就停下来说这事并不对——他太喜欢我了，喜欢到不能忍受和我一(HX你妹）夜(HX你妹）情的地步。他给了我电话号码，吻了我的脸颊以后离开了。实际上他已经射了-_- 于是我给他打电话——但是是错误号码。FML
　　
　　
　　124、Today, I was at a Chinese restaurant, I’d forgotten my glasses and had a migraine. I was straining my eyes, squinting and rubbing my temples to alleviate my migraine. I was kicked out of the restaurant and banned henceforth because my waitress thought I was mocking her eyes. FML
　　
　　今天，我在一家中餐馆吃饭。我忘了我的眼镜，所以感觉有些偏头痛。我挤着眼睛，又捏又压我的太阳穴试图缓解头痛。我被从餐馆里赶了出来，永远不得入内，因为那个女服务员以为我在嘲笑她的眼睛。FML
　　
　　125、Today, I walked into the kitchen and accidentally broke my mother’s vase. I said, "Accidents happen." She replied, "Yeah, like your birth." FML
　　
　　今天，我走到厨房里面，不小心打碎了我妈的花瓶。我说：“事故时有发生嘛。”她回答，“对，像你的出生一样。”FML
　　
　　126、Today, my boyfriend and I were laying naked in my bed making out. All of a sudden, we hear "pop goes the weasel" outside my house. My boyfriend stops, looks directly at me, and excitedly says, "ICE CREAM MAN!" and proceeds to flip me over, grab his clothes, and run out of my room. FML
　　
　　今天我的BF和我在床上缠绵。突然，一句吆喝从外面传来：“嘭！鼹鼠来喽！”我BF停止了动作，兴奋地看着我说：“卖冰激凌的来啦！”然后他把我抛在一边，拿着他的衣服就冲出了房门。FML
　　
　　
　　127、Today, my daughter walked in on me taking a shower. She said, "Hey, yours is the same size as Dylan’s!" My daughter has seen Dylan’s peni/s, which apparently is the same size as mine. My daughter and Dylan are 7. FML
　　
　　今天我女儿在我洗澡的时候走进来，她说：“嘿，你的那玩意和迪伦的一样大呢！”我女儿见过迪伦的那玩意了。迪伦的那玩意和我的一样大。我女儿和迪伦都是7岁。FML
　　
　　
　　128、Today, I looked down to see a tiny spider crawling on the inside of my leg, very close to my crotch. When I tried to brush it off, it only flew a couple inches because it was making a web between my legs. Even a spider knew that it’s been awhile. FML
　　
　　（这是个女的）今天我朝下看，发现一只蜘蛛在我的大腿内侧爬，很靠近我那里。当我想打掉它的时候，它飞行了几英寸，因为它正在我的腿间织网。连蜘蛛都知道我这里好久没用过了。FML
　　
　　
　　129、 Today, I was nude modeling for the first time for a life art class. The only criteria for the class was that I not move at all while being observed. After a few seconds I noticed a really hot girl drawing me. I got a hard on. FML
　　
　　今天，我第一次在一个美术课当裸体模特。班级唯一的要求是我在被观察的时候绝对不能动。几秒钟以后我就注意到了一个非常火辣的女孩在画我——于是我硬了。FML
　　
　　130、Today, my very religious grandmother walked in on me masturbating. She’s sending me to bible camp. FML
　　
　　今天，我那笃信教的祖母正巧碰到我在ZW。她准备把我送到圣经夏令营里去。FML （基督教认为ZW是罪）

　　131、Today, I snuck out of my house in the middle of the night. I ran into my dad carrying wine into another house. I didn’t assume he was cheating until he saw me and said "I won’t tell if you don’t tell, please don’t tell your mother". FML
　　
　　今天，我半夜偷摸地跑出房子去了。我和我爸碰了个正着——他拿着酒，准备进到另一栋房子里去。我当时没猜他有外遇还是什么的，直到他说：“如果你不说，我就不说——求求你别告诉你妈。”FML
　　
　　
　　132、Today, I found out my mom paid my best friend ＄20 to be my friend when we were 10. FML
　　
　　今天，我才发现我妈在我和我哥们十岁的时候，给了他20刀来雇他当我的朋友。FML
　　
　　
　　133、Today, while working on a medical school application, I asked my mom what she thought my greatest challenge in life had been. She replied : "Trying to lose your virginity." FML
　　
　　今天，在做医学院申请的时候，我问了我妈她认为我目前为止生活中遇到的最大挑战是什么。她回答：“试着破处。”FML
　　
　　
　　134、 Today,when I had a masturbating I saw that my sister was having a sex with my brother.FML
　　
　　今天，我ZW的时候看见我姐和我哥在OOXX。FML
　　
　　
　　135、Today, I finally got up the nerve to ask this really cute girl out I’ve had a crush on for over eight months. Turns out she isn’t a girl. FML
　　
　　今天，我终于鼓起勇气，向一个非常可爱的女孩表白说已经喜欢她超过8个月了。结果我发现她不是女的。FML
　　
　　136、Today, I was out with my friend. My six year old daughter was also with us. While we were walking through the parking lot, my daughter asked me in a very loud voice "Mommy, does a blow job taste bad?" FML
　　
　　今天，我在外面和朋友逛。我6岁的小女儿也和我们在一起。在经过一个停车场时，我的女儿非常大声地问我：“妈咪，KJ尝起来很糟糕吗？”FML
　　
　　
　　137、Today, I got hypnotized at my school’s variety show. Apparently, when asked to do something I enjoy doing, I began to violently hump the floor. FML
　　
　　今天，我在学校的杂耍秀上被催眠了。很明显，当我被要求去做一件“我特别喜欢做的事情”时，我开始和地板激烈地OOXX。FML
　　
　　
　　138、Today, I was going on a plane to Chicago. My passport picture is 6 years old, and back then I was a beautiful model. Now, I gave birth to a child and gained 50 lbs. When I showed my passport to the airport atendents, I got arrested for stealing someones passport. FML
　　
　　今天，我准备坐飞机前往芝加哥。我的护照照片是6年前拍的；那时候我还是个很漂亮可爱的小模特。现在，我生了个孩子，体重长了50磅。于是乎当我给机场人员出示护照时，我被以“偷窃他人护照”的罪名逮捕。FML
　　
　　139、Today, my mother called me downstairs to give me what I assumed was going to be "The Talk" (About four years too late). So she sits me down, holds my hands, and with the gentlest, most motherly expression on her face tells me, "Honey, if you ever come home pregnant, I’ll kill you and the baby." FML
　　
　　今天，我妈把我叫到楼下；我以为她会终于给我来一场“人生当中最重要的演讲”（虽说晚了能有四年之久）。于是她让我坐下，握住我的手，用温柔的、充满母爱的表情告诉我说：“宝贝，如果你有一天突然怀孕了的话，我就把你和你的小崽子都杀了。”FML
　　
　　
　　140、Today, my parents were taking a tour of my apartment when my bird started making noises. It was mimicking my moans from when I was having sex yesterday. It was screaming in my voice, very noticeably. FML
　　
　　今天，我的父母造访我的公寓的时候，我养的鸟开始大吵大闹。它在模仿我昨天晚上做爱做的事的时候的呻吟声。此鸟一直在用我的声音尖叫着，特别容易分辨。FML

∨ˉShadow

　　141、Today, I was at the mall with some friends. In the food court we passed by this creepy pervert feeling up a woman. I take a closer look and realize with horror that the guy is my dad in sunglasses and a hat. The lady he was with was not my mom. FML
　　
　　今天，我和我的朋友们在逛购物中心。在美食广场里面我们遇到了一个恶心的变.态正在抚摸一个女人。我定睛一看，惊恐地发现那个变.态就是我老爸，戴了个墨镜和一顶帽子。而且那个被摸的女的不是我妈。FML

　　143、Today, my mom came to wake me up because my alarm didn’t go off. She brought my dog in to wake me up and he came and laid on bed. I started to rub what i thought was his neck and playing with a random tuft of fur. I soon realized that it was his penis. I gave my dog a handjob. FML
　　
　　今天，我妈来叫我起床，因为我的闹钟没响。她让我的狗来把我叫醒，于是狗进到屋子里来，躺倒了床上。我开始抚摸我认为是它的脖子的地方，也玩了玩一团不知是它身上哪里的毛。然后我意识到了，那是它的J J。也就是说我帮我的狗打灰机了。FML

　　144、Today, I had a terrible dream where my boyfriend cheated on me with his ex. I woke up almost crying and called him just to tell him how much he means to me. Turns out my dream gave him that little extra push he needed to confess he’s been cheating on me. With his ex. FML
　　
　　今天，我做了个噩梦，梦见了我的男朋友背着我和他的前女友搞外遇。我几乎是哭着醒了过来，立刻打电话给他，告诉他他对我来说是多么重要。结果，我的梦反倒成了他向我坦白他的罪行的推动力——他确实是在背着我搞外遇。和他的前女友。FML
　　
　　
　　145、Today, I had dinner with the girl I thought I would end up marrying. Everything was going well and after I had payed the bill, she said she was a lenbian. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, she challenged me to see who could hook up with a straight girl first. I lost. FML
　　
　　今天，我和我认为一定会娶的女孩共享晚餐。一切都很顺利。结账之后，她跟我说她是同志。就在我认为事情不能再糟的时候，她向我挑战，说要比赛看谁能先把到妹。我输了。FML
　　
　　
　　146、Today, I overheard my parents having sex. Trying to be the reasonable person I was, I dismissed it, realizing that sex is just normal. I quickly walked past their room when my cat ran past me into their room, cracking open the door. Now my parents think I was peeping and need therapy. FML
　　
　　今天，我听到了我父母在OOXX。试着做一位看得开的人，我马上打消了奇怪的想法，因为我知道食色性也嘛。我快速地经过了他们的房门，可是就在此时我的猫经过我身边跑进了他们的卧室，把门给撞开了——现在我的父母以为我在偷看，而且需要看心理医生。FML
　　
　　
　　147、Today, at the rehearsal for my wedding, my mother told my bride’s mother to f*** off. FML
　　
　　今天，在婚礼彩排的时候，我妈跟我丈母娘说了句NMLGB。FML
　　
　　
　　148、Today, I used the bathroom on a bus from New York to Boston, and carefully covered the seat with twenty of the single-square toilet paper rations. As I was peeing, the bus flew over a bump and swerved sharply, and my entire naked bottom was splashed with urine and poop. It wasn’t my own. FML
　　
　　今天，我用了从纽约到波士顿大客车上的厕所，小心翼翼地在马桶座上盖了20多张单片厕纸。在我嘘嘘的时候，客车越过了一处凸起的路面，来了个急转弯——于是我裸露的整片PP都被飞溅起来的尿花和屎花溅满了。而且那些都不是我的。FML
　　
　　149、Today, I was walking up to girlfriends house when her terrifying Marine Corps dad threw a football at me. Not being very athletic i surprised myself by catching it. He gestured for me throw it back and i watched it spiral wildy to the left and hit my girlfriends mom in the face. FML
　　
　　今天，我走向我的女朋友家，正好碰到了她那可怕的海军陆战队老爸向我扔橄榄球。我不是很擅长运动，于是我接住了那球的时候我自己也吓了一跳。他向我示意扔回去，然后我就眼睁睁地看着橄榄球疯狂地旋转着向左面飞去，正中我女朋友的妈妈的脸。FML
　　
　　
　　150、Today, I woke up happier than I’ve ever been because last night I hooked up with the girl I have loved for almost a year and I thought I would never get with her. This morning I saw that her status on facebook was FML. FML
　　
　　今天，我一辈子从没这么高兴过地从睡梦中醒来，因为昨天晚上我和我暗恋了将近一年的女孩好上了，而我以前一直以为我没机会。今天早上，我看到她facebook上的“状态”是“FML”。FML

　　151.Today, I was doing a strip tease for my husband. He asked me to stop. FML
　　
　　今天,我在给老公跳脱衣舞的时候,他叫我停下.FML

　　152. Today, I was on a 3 hour plane ride. An elderly man was sitting next to me and before the flight took off, he fell asleep on my shoulder. I decided to be kind and let him sleep. When the flight was about to land, I tried to wake him up. He wouldn’t. He died on my shoulder. FML
　　
　　今天我要搭三小时飞机,坐我旁边的一老大爷在飞机起飞前搭我肩膀上睡着了.我决定做个敬老的好人于是让他在我肩膀上睡了一路.当飞机快着陆的时候我试着叫醒老大爷.可是他醒不来了.他死在了我的肩膀上.FML
　　
　　153.Today, I had my car stolen. When the police found it, pretty much everything inside was missing. For some reason, I had left 6 pairs of shoes in my back seat. Whoever stole my car thought it would be funny to take one shoe from each pair. I now own 6 unmatched shoes and my car smells like sex. FML
　　今天我的车丢了.当警察找到它的时候车里面的东西基本上都被拿光了.出于某种原因我拉在后座六双鞋.偷车的人可能觉得拿走一双鞋里面的一只是一件很好玩的事情,于是我就HLL的有了六个单只鞋而且我的车有股子做过的味道.

　　154. Today, my friend called to say my boyfriend was at a diner with another woman. I immediately went and caught them in a deep conversation. I slapped him and yelled "Who’s this bitch!?" It turns out she’s his half sister. FML
　　
　　今天我朋友打电话给我说我男朋友正在和另一个女人吃晚饭.我立马赶到发现他们正交谈正欢.我赏了他一巴掌,大喊的问他这个贱人是谁.结果是他妹妹.
　　155. Today, I was at a party at the house of the guy I really like. We were talking when he pulled me into his room. I was excited he was finally taking our friendship to the next level, until he handed me a stick of deodorant, saying "I didn’t wanna tell you in the hallway, but you really need this." FML
　　
　　今天,我在一个我挺喜欢的人的家里参加party.我们正在就国际形势交换意见的时候他把我拉到了他的房间.我的小心脏砰砰的,以为他终于要和我进行更深一步的交流了.结果他拿出一个除臭棒告我说:"在走廊的时候我本来不想说的,但是你确实需要这个."FML
　　
　　156. Today, I asked the girl I am in love with out on a date. She asked me for my name. FML
　　
　　今天,我邀请那个我爱的女孩出去约会.她却问我的名字是什么.FML
　　
　　157. Today, my best guy friend set me up on a blind date. Almost immediately after the guy and I sat down, he excused himself to make a call. A couple of feet away from our table, I heard him say, "Come on, Justin, this is the best you could do??" Over the phone. Justin is the guy who set us up. FML
　　
　　今天我最好的朋友给我组织了次相亲.当我和那小子一见面他就说要出去打个电话.就在我们坐的桌子旁边几步远,我听到他在电话里说:"拜托,贾斯汀.这就是你给我介绍的美女?"贾斯汀就是那个组织我们相亲的那个孙子.FML
　　
　　158. Today, my boyfriend of two years proposed to me. Less than two minutes later, he decided he wasn’t ready for the commitment. After I had already said yes. FML
　　
　　今天,我那交往了两年的男朋友向我求婚.一分钟之后他就反悔说他那柔弱的肩膀不能承受婚姻之重.而我已经答应了他的求婚.FML
　　
　　159. Today, I paid $80 to change my cell number because my ex-girlfriend had been stalking me. To inform all of my friends of the change, I sent a mass text message to everyone in my phonebook. Including my ex. FML
　　
　　今天我花了80刀去换掉我的手机号码因为我发现我的前女友跟踪我.为了通知我的朋友我换了号码,我给我电话簿里的所有人群发了短信,其中包括我的前女友.FML
　　
　　160. Today, my boyfriend called me to break up with me. Immediately after we hung up, I started crying hysterically. I thought I dialed my best friend, and as soon as the line picked up, I yelled, "That motherfucker broke up with me!" My now ex-boyfriend replied, "Yeah, I know I did." FML
　　今天我的男朋友打电话给我说分手.一挂掉电话我就开始痛哭.于是我就打电话给我最好的朋友,一接通我就喊:"那个混蛋甩了我."我的男友,准确的说是前男友回答说:"是的,我知道我甩了你."

∨ˉShadow

　　161. Today, my boyfriend broke up with me in my front yard. As I stormed off in my dramatic exit, I realized I had locked myself outside. I had to ask my now ex-boyfriend to borrow his phone so I could call my mom. FML
　　
　　今天我的男朋友在我家前院说要和我分手.当我彪悍的冲出去发泄的时候,我发现我把自己锁在外面了.我不得不向现在的前男友借手机来告诉我老妈我给所在外面了.FML
　　
　　162 Today, I was looking at my friend’s dad’s Facebook pictures because he recently posted a status update. I saw him at a bar with some ugly hooker that he was feeling up in almost every picture. After about 10 minutes of ridiculing and laughing at this ugly woman, I realize it’s my mom in a wig. FML
　　
　　今天,我正在欣赏我朋友的老爸的Facebook上的照片,因为他刚刚更新了状态.我看到了他和一群长相悲哀的妓女呆在一个Bar里,而且几乎每张照片里他都和这些丑女人动手动脚.在无情的鄙视了这群丑女人十分钟后,我发现其中一个丑女人是我那带着假发的老妈.FML
　　
　　163 Today, my boyfriend of 4 years told me he was leaving me because we haven’t slept together in a few weeks. I just gave birth to our first child and am still recovering from my c-section. FML
　　
　　今天,我交往了四年的男朋友告诉我说他要离开我因为我们有那么一段时间么睡在一块了.我刚刚生下我们第一个孩子而且正在从剖腹产的痛苦中恢复过来.FML
　　
　　164 Today, my girlfriend broke up with me and refused to give me back the condoms I’d just bought. Why? Because she wants to use them with the guys she’s been cheating on me with. FML
　　
　　今天,我的女朋友甩了我并且拒绝归还我刚买的套套.为什么?因为她想和背着我偷的人用.FML
　　
　　165 Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years. I got reservations for a romantic dinner, and at the end, fireworks would spell out my proposal. The whole thing had taken weeks to plan out and had cost me a lot of money. She proposed to me at a subway station first. FML.
　　
　　今天我本来计划向我那交往了三年的女友求婚.我预订了一个浪漫的晚餐,而且在晚餐后还准备了漫天的烟花来表明我的求婚.这些事情我花了数个星期准备而且花了我一大笔钱.结果,在地铁站,我那可爱的女友先向我求婚.FML
　　
　　166 Today, I thought my boyfriend of 6 years was going to propose to me. We’re highschool sweethearts and he was my first. Just when he was looking into my eyes he says, " I’ve been seeing someone else for 2 years and I’m choosing her over you... it was a tough decision". FML
　　
　　今天,我本来觉得我那交往了六年的男朋友会向我求婚.我们是高中生情侣而且他是我的初恋.当他深情望着我的眼睛时他说:"我已经和别人好了两年而且在你们之间我决定选她.....这是一个艰难的选择."FML
　　
　　167 Today, I gave the option to my boyfriend of 5 years to either quit World of Warcraft of lose me. He said WOW makes him happier. FML
　　
　　今天,我让交往了五年的男友在我和魔兽世界里面选一个,要不不玩魔兽要不和我分手.他说魔兽世界会让他更开心点.FML
　　
　　168 Today, I got a call from my parents that they have decided to get a divorce. My brothers and I just shelled out $5,000 each and spent months planning their 50th Anniversary party that was supposed to be next month. FML
　　
　　今天,我接到了父母的电话说他们要离婚了.我哥刚和我每人掏了5000刀而且花了数个月的时间来计划他们那位于下个月的结婚50周年纪念日.FML
　　
　　169 Today, I found out that my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because she wants to become a lesbian. I also learned that she’s coming to my house for dinner tonight. My sister is her date. FML
　　
　　今天,我终于发现原来我的前女友两年前与我分手是因为她是个百合.而且我也知道她会来我家吃晚饭.因为我的妹妹是她的女朋友.FML
　　
　　170 Today, my friend told me that she gave my number to a guy I’ve liked for a while. I asked why and she just said "He’s just going to have to tell you himself." I got hopeful and really nervous. A few hours later he calls. Turns out, he’s called to try and get a date with my gay friend. FML
　　
　　今天我朋友告诉我说她把我的号码给了那个我暗恋了很久的家伙.我问她问什么,结果她告我说那个家伙要亲自对我说,弄得我满怀期待,心砰砰乱跳.几个小时之后那个家伙打电话了.他只是想我的GAY朋友约会.FML

　　171.今天，早餐桌上，我妈问我对几星期前来过我们家的那个水管工怎么看，我告诉她那人真的非常可爱，而且我曾很努力地试图与他调情。我妈点点头，然后告诉我那人是她的新男友，并且很快要搬来和我们一起住。FML
　　
　　172.今天，在部署到伊拉克七个月后，我休假回到家。我想在今天和我女朋友见见面，但她说她需要和她生病的祖母呆在一起。事实证明，她生病的祖母和我的表弟是同一个人。FML
　　
　　173.今天，我的前男友被他现任女友给甩了，我给他写了首歌告诉他我仍然有多爱他，希望他能给我个机会。结果前男友将歌转给甩他的那女孩，并说这歌是他写的。于是他俩复合了。FML
　　
　　174.今天，我比平时早一些下班回家，撞见女友和我最好的朋友在一起。我原谅了她，她以为这是因为我爱她，其实我只是不希望在别的方面也下岗了而已（这哥们刚刚丢了工作）。FML

　　175 Today, I checked my voicemail. I was really surprised to hear an adorable message from my boyfriend, who was vacationing in Florida. I was even more surprised to hear him having sex with some other girl for the last seven minutes of the message. FML
　　今天我检查了一下我的语音信箱.当我听到了去佛罗里达度假的男友给我发的可爱信息的时候我很惊喜.当然,在听到他在信息最后七分钟里和其他女孩XXOO的声音时候,我更惊喜.FML

　　176 Today, I went on an excellent first date. After the ’end of the date kiss’ came "I suppose this is where I tell you that I’m married". FML
　　今天,我拥有了一次精彩绝伦的初次约会.在结束了"结束约会之吻"
　　环节后就到了"我想我应该告诉你我结婚了"环节. FML

　　177 Today, I called back a number I recently missed a call from. To my surprise, it was the number of my boyfriend’s fiance (I had no clue). I’ve been with him 4 years, he’s been with her for 6. Turns out, not only is he a cheating jerk, but technically *I’m* the other woman! FML
　　
　　今天,我给最近的一个未接电话回电话.结果让我大吃一惊,她是我男朋友的未婚妻(我不是故意的..) 我和男友一起4年了 而她和我男友在一起6年.因此不止是我的男友是一个烂货,而且从技术角度来说我才是那个小三.FML

　　178 Today, I was at dinner with my boyfriend and his family. We were talking about relationships, and I commented on how online dating was the dumbest thing ever. His mom and step-dad went on to tell me how they had met through an online dating service. FML
　　
　　今天,我和男友一家一起吃晚饭.我们正在讨论感情问题而我评论说网络约会实在是最烂的事情.结果他的老妈和继父告诉我他们是通过网络约会服务认识的.FML

　　179 Today, my wife tried to catch the bouquet at my sister’s wedding. Afterward I informed her that only single women were supposed to do that, and she replied "I know". My wife told me that she was divorcing me at my sister’s wedding. FML
　　
　　今天,我老婆在我妹妹的婚礼上去抢新娘的花球.我告诉她说只有单身的女性才可以去抢,结果她说她知道.于是,我老婆在我妹妹的婚礼上告诉我说她要和我离婚.FML

　　180 Today, I logged onto facebook, and saw that one of my friends had just listed herself as in a relationship. I was happy for her, so I clicked the "like" button. Then I went to her page to see who her new boyfriend was. It was my boyfriend. FML
　　
　　今天,我登录了Facebook,看到了我的一个朋友刚刚标明她正在恋爱.我很为他高兴于是点击了"like"按钮.于是我在她的页面上看到了她现在的男朋友.那个家伙是我的男友.FML

cislunar

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∨ˉShadow

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Dreamer

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太强了吧